stupidly scared?

That being said, I wanted to finish it now, but know I can't; it was totally one of those posts spawned from a moment that I can't replicate. This post I started a week before my son was born.  You'll note the line "having a baby in less then two weeks", and we did, he was 10 days early.  I'll save the rest for after your read the post.

I did it now.  I decided to look at the Walt Disney World website.  That may not seem like a big deal and some of you may be asking, "Matt...why?  Where could he be going with this?"  Surrounded by baby stuff, cute everythings starring back with plastic eyes and knit smiles, I had a flashbacks.  My parents took us to Walt Disney World a total of 4 times growing up; I think I was 13 the last time.  We rarely went to any shore or beach.  Never crossed the Mississippi or ate shrimp and grits.  No, we headed down 95 South, flew and took a train to the most magical place on earth.

While part of me has thought how it would have been nice to explore and see more on the "big" family vacations, the other side of my brain wants to go back...badly...now.  I think it's that total fantasy that Disney is about.  Made up worlds and characters created to stir up imagination and joy . . . pure, joy.

So here I sit, just moments ago having looked the website, but I got no further then clicking on two tabs then I had to close it out and get on here.  I had all kinds of sad, bummed out thoughts crash in on me.  Why?  This is Disney Matt!  Remember?  Joy!  Pure Joy!?  Yeah, I remembered, then thought about how here we are diving into buying a house, in two days and having a baby in less then two weeks (well, OK I know around then).  All's I see are dollar bills, plastered over day care doors, buckled into car seats, running the length of wiring and plumbing.  I imagine not being able to take my kid to Disney, and that sucks.

I guess I feel I lost something out of all those trips.  I drew, I drew a lot.  I wanted to be an animator or "imagineer" for Disney.  I wanted to create things that brought smiles on and entertained and made memories. 

OK, there is it.  We closed on our house in the hospital, the day after our little guy was born.  The next week we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.  A week and a half later, my birthday.  Pile it on!  Pile it high!  I've survived so far.  I didn't realize that the scariest thing was going back to work after being on paternity leave for two weeks.