the fact is

We like to think we're in control of every aspect of our person.  We alter our appearences to feel better about the image we put on for others to look at.  Some change their religion many times over the course of a life-time.  Some choose not to eat meat.  Some . . . change their gender.  

So it's a funny fact, when you step back to look at the bigger picture, that we are living beings, just like snakes, just like bats, just like worms and plankton.  Humans, unlike either of those two creatures, strive to become something.  A snake eats mice (generally speaking, so I'll say a black rat snake), eats, sleeps, sheds it's skin, mates, grows and stays a live as long as it is able.  It is what it is and nothing more.  Humans seem to not be content for what they are, what they are born as.  We don't eat, sleep, live, procreate and die.  We came up with school, careers, economies, politics, monies, retirement, rich and poor.  We set definitions and parameters early on in our existence, basic ones, that now transcend cultures and countries.

We defined "happy" and "sad".  We personify everything, from making boats and cars female to convincing ourselves that Rover is saying "I love you" and not just barking in different pitches.  Unfortunately with all of the ways humans have come to make themselves, to develop in to the most "advanced" and "intelligent" animal on earth, we've managed also to create things that propigate depression, stress, discontentment and fatigue.

So, where am I going with this?  Well, I'm, at this moment, not happy.  I'm not free of concern, not relaxed, not looking at all I have done and all I own and saying, "Hey, everything's great!".  No, because I managed to create in my own head an equation that equaled out to me being distraught.   Of course I don't want to be, but in my head the events which played out, the small hints of and fatigue have comingled and left me like this.  

Fact is, I didn't have control, something in me made me react certain ways, think and do certain things and create this scenario I'm in.  Maybe I could've stepped back and thought things through, but deep inside something took over stronger than anything a therapist could have told me to revert to.  (note: I don't and never had gone to a therapist)  

Another fact:  Everything will be OK in the morning.